I
I think I try too hard at everything, and I think it comes from a deep-set feeling that if I do not achieve the best I can, I have not really achieved anything. I also want myself to feel special, because I fear boredom more than anything, and so I tend to go towards the strange, insular and the unknown - I watch obscure films so I can feel as if something can be my own, I read weird sci-fi so that I can talk about it and can feel as if I am unique in my interpretation (because nobody else knows about it) and the only social media I use is Tumblr and Letterboxd because I am pretentious and silly in equal measure (or at least that is how I like to view myself) and regaining a grasp on the lost years of youth I cannot remember, yet faintly I remember the ghosts of that past, of myself and those I knew and the places I went, but never in enough detail.
One of my greatest fears is losing touch with the people I have met, and that used to terrify me, and made me not want to meet many new people, but I have convinced myself that I will be able to keep in contact with all of them (even though know for a fact this is a lie) and now try to meet everyone I can. I romanticise my life to no end, and particularly tend to romanticise my sadness and losses (which may not be the best thing to do now I think about it). I try to journal so I can remember my life, but always tend to give-up eventually, I try to capture moments of my life I think I would like to keep in text, and I sometimes wonder just how much of those moments remains true to life, how much I have made up subconsciously, just how much was ever really there, and how much it really meant to me at the time, because I want to think of myself thinking of myself like that.
I love Biology, I look at everything through the lens of Biology, of evolution, and sometimes I can look around me at a bird or some mould or the fact I have an infection and be struck by the intricately complex unknowability of it all and I will remember why I love biology so much, because it gives me that childlike wonder I yearn for, and allows me to be free of my own expectations, because (when looking at Biology) I essentially know nothing, and likely never will, and I find that very beautiful indeed.